Lessons in Small Talk

In 2016, Guardian journalist, Tim Lott scathingly described small talk as “smeared like spermicide over social intercourse lest the embryo of a real conversation be fertilised.” 

Colorful metaphors notwithstanding, I sympathize strongly with Lott. As an introvert, small talk does not come easily to me. It seems to get in the way of both deeper, more meaningful conversation and criminally underrated silence. 

The Medieval philosopher Thomas Aquinas considered idle words at least slightly morally repugnant. Although I admit, the scholar might not have been referring to small talk exactly. 

Benefits of Small Talk

Unfortunately, small talk serves several important social functions in society. It has even been shown to have a positive effect on children’s development. You have to start somewhere when learning to speak. Why not start small?

The ability to converse easily with anyone under a wide set of circumstances is an extremely useful skill to have. Yes, you may want to improve your small talk skills for purely selfish reasons. Perhaps it is out of jealousy of the jabber-mouths of the world that we introverts find small talk so distasteful. 

Hannah Poulton, founder of Nonpareil Network, a community designed to support professional women, claims to actually love small talk. She urges her readers to think of small talk as “an introduction to finding out big things that can lead to important connections.”

Definition of Small Talk

Like obscenity under US legal codes, small talk is an elusive concept. Justice Potter Stewart seems to take the words right out of my mouth as he says, “I know it when I see it.” Only small talk doesn’t even have the decency to be seen. Therefore, I amend the phrase to “I know it when I hear it.”

Small is ultimately a relative term. One person’s small might be another person’s very meaningful. I don’t find the weather a particularly compelling subject but a meteorologist is bound to have more to say. 

The Importance of Silence

What is often lost at this point in the conversation is the importance of silence. If small talk has a place, then surely silence does as well.  In a hyper-fast-paced world, a little silence can go a long way. Among the health benefits of silence are lowered blood pressure, improved concentration, and calm. These things should not be taken for granted.  I have found that even silence in the presence of others is extremely beneficial.

Ideally, a balance is struck between small talk, what I am calling big talk and silence. Small talk is an awkward middle ground but sometimes it is the best option to break the ice. Sometimes it can feel like trying to hack away at a glacier with a toothpick but it is important to recognize that not everyone is as comfortable with silence as myself.

Conclusion

You might not like it, but small talk is an integral part of society, and it’s here to stay. Some people even enjoy it. As for me, I tolerate it, as a necessary evil, a means to an end.